Some thoughts on 2015

A considerable amount of moments I have looked at my release list of 2015 and the year itself and thought that this has not been a busy year for me, especially regarding C64 pixel graphics. Compared to earlier years I have done way less. and I thought, I had done way less than I wanted to do this year. But it seems that I never got around to doing it. So i felt bad. I felt lazy. I felt like not supporting my dear scene friends in Onslaught enough to present them releases and show that I am still passionate about C64 and all we do together. And to an extend I still feel like that today. But…
Yes there is a “but” coming. A few days ago I went through my stuff on my HD and discovered an interesting thing. I knew about the projects that were and are still present in my C64 pixels directory but just realized that almost all of them are from 2015. Most of them are finished, a few unfinished. But what they all have together is, the are not released. So, the reality is quite different from how I perceived it all along. It is true that I have not released many gfx in 2015, but it is clearly false that I have been perceiving myself as having been lazy all the time. Its quite the opposite that is true. I have done 10+ fullscreen graphics in 2015 for different projects that were supposed to be happening. But guess what, they did not and probably never will. I began releasing those demo assets as standalone gfx (see my gfx called Legion for that matter), but many if not most of them are not suitable for that. Many are supposed to accompany effects or just deliver more atmosphere, which they wont if they are released on their own. So what happened in 2015 was, I shifted from making standalone gfx in the first place to concentrating on making demo related gfx and since the demos did not happen, so didn’t my releases. And seeing nothing being released with me as a participant made me sad. And I carried that feeling around a long time (and still do a little now). It did undermine my motivation in general on an subconscious level, I suppose, because in the second half of the year, I felt demotivated a lot of times. There was another new project I was working for that gave me a temporary bump and made me pixel 2 screens for it (not finished), but it turned out I was over eager, because the design that was chosen afterwards for the demo did not match what I had done. So I felt like those two screens are again something for “later” or even never. And I don’t know if you do understand the feeling of, if you do something creatively, you want to put it out there. Do not get me wrong. This is not about blaming others for not feeling active release-wise, this is just for me (and the readers, obviously) to understand how all aspects worked together to make me feel the way I described. Life happens, things change over time and so do preferences.
To sum up everything. This “put it out there” did not happen to me in 2015 C64 pixel graphics wise on a grand scale. I need to think about how I want to spend my pixelling time in 2016.


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